I have an auto immune disease- rheumatoid arthritis. It's progressing, stealing from me fluid movement and what little grace I once possessed. Sometimes I feel like a disjointed marionette staggering and stumbling along. Walking on uneven surfaces is a jarring challenge.
I can live with the joint pain and stiffness, the random muscle spasms and contractions, the tendinitis flare-ups, the feeling of being locked up inside my own body. I can deal with all that. What bothers me the most is the fatigue and brain fog that accompanies this disease. I miss the ability to have clear thoughts and remain focused. It has really made writing a challenge. I cannot concentrate and stay focused on what I am doing. I'm more easily distracted and discouraged. I have all these ideas in my head, but it can be exhausting trying to express them.
Writing used to come so easy for me. I would sit down and the words would just flow out of me as if I was possessed by some spirit or other, a genie who'd escaped from a bottle and had so many stories to tell!
I miss that. I find myself resenting what this disease has done to me.
I've tried various medications but have had adverse reactions to them. I'm limited to one medication that I cannot quite tolerate at the max dose. I worry all the time about the time when my RA overwhelms the medication, stomps right over it and ravages an already war torn body and psyche.
I am tired all the time. Everything I do requires a mind over body decision. The body wants to rest and not struggle and hurt. The mind wants to accomplish things, even though that means fighting through the fog and fatigue. I've never been one to sit and do nothing. RA is locking me down more and more. some days are worse than others. There are no good days anymore.
There are so many things I want to do still...I'm just an awful lot slower at getting anything done these days.
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